We're Sorry

I sometimes wonder if when a PC commits a fatal error someone at Microsoft gets killed.

Thats whats really happening when the next screen pops up telling you that the program quit 'Unexpectedly' and asks if you'd like to send a report to Microsoft so they can 'sort it out'. Microsoft is a gigantic corporation, they can get away with 'sorting out' the least good engineers.

I always click 'No' because, essentially, I'm a good person and I don't like killing someone just because they wrote bad computer code.

Having said that, some of the later Matrix films had that in it, agents were programs that killed out-dated programs, or something like that. I can't say I really remember the later Matrix films as I was too busy having my mind blown! All those incredible special effects, all the incredibly deep and helpful philosophy. I mean, most of the lies of the world were revealed to me through those last two films. Matrix: Regurgitated and Matrix: Re laminated. (sarcasm off)

Anyway, I'm not really in much of a position to talk about Microsoft Windows because I don't have a working copy of it at the moment. Much like 80% of people who bought a copy of Microsoft Windows.

I once - and this is absolutely true, you can read about it on the internet - exorcised a computer by 'casting out the Spirit of Windows, in Jesus name' and it crashed right there in front of me. Proof positive that God exists and wants to mess with my head sometimes.

The engineers crack me up the most though, they really do.

'Your computer has performed an illegal operation'
'This action could not be performed'

I think that Microsoft engineers only really know three actions anyway. Turning it on, turning it off and turning it off then on again quite quickly. But not too quickly, you have to wait 8 seconds, or is it 10, or 12? No, I remember now, you have to count down from 6 slowly, but not too slowly!

Imagine talking to a Microsoft guy at a party and lets just for a second get over the implausibility of that scenario.

'Hi, oh you work for Microsoft, great. Great. I just wanted to ask you a quick question about that actually; what actions can you perform? Can you do the actions to the Hokey-kokey?'

'Erm, no.'

'Oh, ok. Can you take action against terrorism?'

'No.'

'Ahh. Can you build an action man?'

'Yes, oh, I mean no. I've not ever done that.'

Right. Of course that never happened, neither I nor any Microsoft engineer ever has been to a party.

And thats mostly why I blog now, because if I tried to say this stuff to someone face to face they'd turn round and say

'I think what you need is a psychiatrist, or is it a psychologist? Or a psychiatric evaluation. Maybe we should just skip all those steps and get you a jacket with no holes at the ends of the sleeves.'

Of course we all know how to escape a strait-jacket. You just have to dislocate your shoulder and then you're away, practically sipping cocktails on a Panamanian beach.
But its not that simple. The only thing I've ever dislocated is myself from all sense of reality, which was, quite euphoric actually, so maybe not the best example.

I suppose I should change the subject and to do so I'll leave you with this Humdinger from Herbert:

'Which came first; the KFC Bargain Bucket, or the Scotch Egg?'