LIfting weights with Ghandi

Now then, where were we?

Ah yes:


The secret to a good ramble is to start out boldly, not knowing where you're headed. Sure, if you want to you could plan a few steps ahead, but more than that is unnecessary really. Simply follow every thought as it develops and find the best distraction which will cause the most laughter.

I remember writing about distractions in one of my early blog posts, about the Mother of All Distractions, actually. As I ponder this I realise that here is a character I've left woefully under developed in my blog. We've had appearances from Herbert and more recently the rogue 'The Swine Flu Riddler' but I left this poor woman all on her own with no one to talk too and not even some nibbles. Shameful, I'm sure you'll agree.

On the note of things not really forgotten; I will be posting the next part of my 'Man on a hill' series, soon. I'm also, you'll be delighted to know, working on a new serial based on a phrase used by the inexplicably inedible Miklos Lowenstein* to be called 'Village'.

Anyway, back to 'Mother' or MAD as she's known for short.

She's a lovely lady, and surprisingly, very focused in her job. I suppose when you give birth to so many distractions, you really learn diligence. Diligence is a good word and for some reason mostly puts me in mind of the French Army, which I know many of you will laugh at.

I find it quite comical how the French are always reviled for their lack of military skill or success and yet managed to provide us with Napoleon Bonaparte, one of the best military tacticians in a flock of seagulls and The Foreign Legion, who are universally renowned and respected. I mean, just look at the people on the discussion page of their wikipedia entry trying to seem cool to people they've never met by pretending they're 'all hard and stuff.'

Golly, the internet is really ruining our lives, isn't it?

Apart from in all the ways its made them just slightly better, and stuff.

I'm not going to finish there, as I previously thought, because I fell that to do so would be to rob you of another of my [not] award winning (and bracket inducing)

Musical Jokes!

I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK,
...

Oh wait, that one's not mine.

This one, however, is;

(to the tune of 'Supermassive Black Hole' by Muse)

'Arghh,
I'm getting sucked in, help. Please.
Oh no, nothing can escape its pull, not
even sound, so you can't hear me.
Bummer, even my line
structure
has gone to
p
o
t.

And so, now I will leave you with the thought that I'm rediscovering the calming and cooling power of a good workout, so if you see me running in your neighbourhood;

vote for me. ish.

* I need those reports on my desk by 11 on Wednesday, Lowenstein!

I'm sure I'll be back

Lately I discovered the phrase 'I deal in the surreal'.

By this, I don't mean I sell fluorescent door knockers that go 'awooga'. I don't mean that people invite me to parties to say silly things, or invite me to say things at all actually.

Yesterday it was put to me that 'you just never know when you might be called upon to do a bit of stand-up comedy'. I took this as both a prophecy and a compliment. You see, I wrote a clever and slightly good word play joke which got a laugh of two entirely different crowds of people, and I was pleased.

I'm not going to tell you what the joke was (and not its not that 'deal/surreal' one) because as soon as you put something of yours on the internet, it is no longer really yours. In fact the more original and brilliant it is the more people will claim it is theirs, they had the idea first, etc.

Ouch, I've just realised, just as I'm about to go to bed, that I've no breakfast cereal for tomorrow morning, and I do, I so do want some breakfast tomorrow. Damn you schedules and things and people and places and time! Darn you all to heck!

I'm sure I'll be back.

Riding to your salvation

As I sat listening to a man gargle the first few bars of 'Land of Hope and Glory', I pondered the terrible state of world affairs.
It seems as if, whenever I stop blogging, terrible things happen. Now, this is not to say that I have some kind of influence over the inherent state of the universe, that would be arrogant, but since I've been 'off line', the whole world has caught trout flu.
I thought it was bad enough when the WHO started banging on about the Narwal crisis (thats the organisation, not Roger Daltrey and his crew) that was threatening to take over the world, but now apparently some monkey mated with a gorilla near a river and then sneezed on a passing rabbit, who was terribly late for his checkup, then his wife went for a smear test at Doctor Harold Fishman's and was mis-diagnosed with carp-al tunnel syndrome.
And trout flu was born.
I don't wish to be distasteful but the idea of putting blancmange with pineapple and ostrich gravy, just really doesn't appeal to me, and couldn't help but be said.
I am writing poorly, and I am tired, I will finish this at a better time.

Now seems to be a better time, especially considering that I probably should be working, which is when the best stuff always gets done.
Now, I was going to post a link to a website which I just found about swine flu, but I've decided that I don't want to post links and that seen as I'm not responsible for the comedy therein, I'm not going to let some other money-grabbing-pig-stabbing-flu-carrying-prole take the credit.

There, thats better.

So, back to the point at hand which is the topical logic problem I've been developing. And for those of you nay-sayers whoare guffawing at the idea that I can use logic; suck on this:



--> suck here <--



Those others who are interested in my topical logic puzzle, read on.

'I have three pigs, named Winnie the Pig, Pigbo and Pig De Burgh. Each has been infected over the last week with swine flu. During this time I had a visit from four friends, Mavis, Beavis, Doris and Isis.
The possibility that all four were infected is high. Judging by their current locations, which will be provided, what is the likely number of people inhabited with swine flu?
Mavis is now in Chepstow visiting her elderly niece, Beavis has returned to Scotland where he lives on a loch with a imaginary beard, Doris is stood next to you and Isis has gone back in time to Egypt, which was her starting point anyway.'

The answer will follow at the end of this entry.

Recently the labyrinth has proved stressful and more than a little conducive to mental breakdowns, the last 7 of the 3 people who worked here all went on to have mental health issues. By which I mean they contracted malaria or something and a too young doctor diagnosed with one of the following variations:

'Dude, that is totally sick and not in a good way.'
'Mental illness home slice.'
'Hombre, you done protracted a deadly killer bug thing, ride on!'

Well, now that I'm done, you can have the answer to the logic puzzle.

To recap, the question was 'What is the likely number of people infected by swine flu?

The Answer:

None, I lied about owning pigs.


End.