If life were really like Eastenders

We'd all be stuffed.

Announcer : And now on BBC1, the Queen's Christmas Speech.

Queen : Good afternoon. Shat it you cooooow, I'm speaking, int I?


Apollo 17 : Houston, we have a problem.

Houston : What is it Apollo?

Apollo 17 : Some freaking pikey chav has nicked our parking space!


Sunday School Teacher : So, Nikki, what is your favourite miracle in the Bible?

Nikki : The one where Jesus turns the water into Bacardi Breezer, innit.


Child : Shut up! You're not my mum!

Mum : Yes, I am!

Child : No! You can't be.

Mum : No, you're right. I just made that up!


Ricky : Janet! I need to speak to you.

Janet : Why, whats it about?

Ricky : I've been seeing your sister.

Janet : What? Where?

Ricky : Oh, just around and about, she looks much better. Just thought I'd say.

Janet : Ta, love.

Sometimes, everything you do, everything you touch, really comes off. You just can't help yourself, its like you're a walking, talking success machine. Everybody you see is smiling at you and wanting to be your friend. Everywhere you sit people want to be with you and everywhere you walk, birds fall from the sky.

Apparently.

For me its a little less like that. And more like getting your tie trapped in the spokes of a child's bicycle, the first thing everyone thinks is 'How?' Not, 'how do I help', but 'how on earth did that happen?'

And you keep catching your chin on the stabiliser wheel, and the child won't slow down because she thinks you're hilarious, like some kind of clown. Then she remembers she doesn't like clowns and pedals faster. All the while the onlookers are thinking 'Wow, he's so committed to his physical comedy.'

Its like the man said; its all fun and games until someone loses a tie.

Or like Woody Allen said 'Look at me, I'm rich and successful!' Sorry, I meant the other quote. 'Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates crap television.'

You've got to wonder though, haven't you.


No, you misunderstood;

You have got to wonder.

So go do it.