Let Them Eat Cake!

Good evening.  

I shall begin with recounting a historical tale from the pages of French folklore, one which has been forgotten, twisted, marginalised and entirely falsified!  It is indeed shocking stuff.

For many years, we in the realm out of what many call 'France', have been lead to believe that Marie Antoinette, God rest her Beret, was heard to utter the words of the title.  This utterance provided upon hearing the shortage of bread based materials in that sainted place.  This is an unequivocal untruth and I shall now reveal to us all, here in plain text, what was actually said.

First a little context - and it is greatly needed - Marie Antoinette was the husband of the French Queen Whoishe the fortieth.  She is a huge character in French history, not least because she was one of the few drawn in marker pen but also because of her invention - the combination breadmaker/beheader.  Unfortunately the Guillotine Formby grill didn't catch on much outside of France.

Second a little more context.  During this period times were hard and please, no period jokes...  They did indeed run out of bread, that much is true.  But what follows is the actual truth of what went on next.  

The French, being resourceful types, searched around to find a natural resource which was plentiful and self sustaining.  Now back in this time (the late 1800s, or at least a quarter to 7) there was one thing abounding in France, everywhere you looked you couldn't move for them, they were all over the place.  Up mountains, in rivers, basking on the side of Parisien pavements.  No, not existentialist thinkers, or romantic poets - that comes later.

Turtles.

Inside of France it is well known that the Turtle population was getting out of hand at that time.  And so began the great turtle cull of ten to 7.  Bearing in mind things were different then, Turtles were a darn sight quicker for one.  (The French love to say Darn!  If they could they'd say it all the time, but that would quickly eradicate their reputation of quietly not giving a chuff).

Scary-hairy Marie Antoinette saw this and uttered the immortal line 'Let them eat Turtles'.

 Turtles have never been the same since.  They have tricked the whole world into thinking they are slow and lazy when in fact they are just suffering from a mild case of depression because millions of their species were killed and eaten by the French.  You see, now it all makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

And at last the thing you've all been waiting for...

THE END